Starting at the beginning of this summer, I began to deal with anxiety, panic attacks, and mild depression. This
post isn’t to get a sympathy card. It isn’t to prove anything about myself. It
is to show that the struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression is
real. And that there are people actually going through it.
I’ve
been coming up with reasons for the past month and a half to not write this,
but I think I really need to. Before I start, I’d just like to say that I’m not
through with this. It’s something that I may have to work on for the rest of my
life. This is, by no means, easy to talk about or easy to write. But I do
believe it is necessary. Maybe there is someone who will read this that is
going through a similar situation or knows someone who is. I know many of you
who will read this have no idea that I’ve been going through this, but I think
being transparent is what it necessary. Telling people that Christians go
through this, no matter how invincible we think we are. This world is not
perfect, and it will never be perfect. Y’all, the struggle is real.
While I
do not intend on sharing every single detail of the really, really long story
here, I plan to give you an overview of what happened this summer. At the
beginning of the summer, I prayed that God would make the hard prayers my
prayers. I almost (notice I say almost) wish I could take that back. Because He
answered that prayer, loud and clear. The way He answered that prayer was most
certainly not what I wanted or expected. I intended this summer to be an awesome
time growing closer to God, working at my church, and just hanging out. I
remember telling someone the day before this started happening that I finally
felt, for the first time since I went to college, that I was exactly where I
was supposed to be.
On the
first of June, I couldn’t go to sleep. At all. I had this awful feeling that if
I went to sleep, I was going to die. I would try to go to sleep, then jerk
myself awake when I was almost asleep. When I get stressed, I get these muscle
twitches. They kept happening that night. Well, the next night, it was hard for
me to sleep, but I finally did, and these feelings passed. Another night, about
a week and a half later, it happened again. Then a few days later, it happened
again. This became full-blown panic attacks, that started happening during the
day. I couldn’t eat, because I felt like I was going to throw up if I put
anything in my mouth. I lived off of fruit and smoothies for a while. I began
feeling depressed in the afternoons, every single day. I would cry. All the
time. A wave of emotions would come over me and I would scream, cry, shake,
almost hyperventilate, and just curl up into a ball. It was awful.
I began
going to see a counselor. It helped some, but pretty quickly, she told me I
needed to be on medication. So I started taking Zoloft. While I do believe that
the medicine has helped me, I’m not going to say that I want to be on it. I don’t.
But, for right now, it is what helps me.
When I
had these “waves” of depression, all I wanted to do was lay down and not do
anything. Sometimes I would cry. I would feel like there was absolutely no hope
in my life. Everything that I enjoyed doing no longer appealed to me. I,
however, would continue throughout my day as best as I could. It got worse when
it started interfering in my relationship with Christ. When I began to think
that there is no way a true Christian could go through something like this.
That I must not be doing something right for this to happen to me. This is a
lie. Something that is totally false. I, of course, thought that when we have
trials, it all must come from the outside, people trying to kill us and stuff.
But our trials can come from the inside too. And they are scary. I don’t know
about y’all, but one of the people I trust the most is myself. Of course, this
sounds totally self-centered, and maybe it is, but I’ve always felt that I am
the person I can rely on the most. I will get it done. I will volunteer to
bring this or that for a function, because I know I will make it happen. When I
began to not be able to trust myself or my emotions anymore, that’s when things
got really bad.
But God is teaching me so much through
this. This has radically transformed my prayer life. It has transformed the way I look at a lot of things. While this has not been my plan, nor would I ever want to include it in
my plan, God has a perfect plan. And He will not give His children more than
they can handle- with Him, of course. I’m not going to make a list of all the
famous Christians that have battled depression and anxiety, because, in my opinion, it
doesn’t really help. Yes, it is encouraging, but for someone in the middle of
this battle, they don’t really care who has gone through this, just that they
get out.
For
anyone that has gone through anything like this, I’d just like to say don’t be
afraid to tell your story. People need to hear it. Did you know that 50% of
Americans will deal with some sort of depression in their lifetime? And 1 in 4
Americans are on some sort of anti-depressant drug? Those numbers are
astounding to me. This sucks, y’all. It really does. I’m not going to lie to
you and tell you that it’s no fun, but it’s all good. It’s not. At all. Do I
fully believe that God is going to use what I’m going through for His glory and
His glory alone? Yes. Am I going to say that it’s easy to go through this?
Absolutely not. If you are not a Christian and you are going through something
like this, I cannot even fathom what it must be like. As dark as these past few
months have been, I’ve at least had a “flashlight” to help me through. I pray
that you would know that Christ died to make a way for us to have communion
with God. I pray that you would see your sinfulness in comparison to God’s
glory and desire a relationship with Him. God can help you through whatever you
are going through. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. He doesn’t
make your pain go away, but He will make it more bearable.
And for
those of you who haven’t gone through something like this, especially
Christians, chances are that you will encounter or have encountered someone who
is or has gone through this. My best advice for you is to PLEASE, for the love
of all that is holy, do not just throw a Bible verse at them, say “I’ll be
praying for you,” and walk away. It’s a copout, y’all. It truly is. Guess what
people who are going through this need? They need love. They need a constant
friendship. One who will literally be there every single second of every single
day, making themselves available to talk, text, or sit there in complete
silence with while they cry. Because, once again, this sucks. They do not need
another Bible verse. Many times, these are meaningless. The Bible verses I
found on my own had so much more meaning than the ones people told me. Of
course, when I texted my friends and asked for prayers, I knew they couldn’t
magically come to Alabama and be there for me. This is not directed towards
someone who cannot be there for someone. And sending Bible verses to someone is
great. Praying for people is great. I am not belittling any of these actions.
But just ignoring the problem and patting their shoulder saying “there, there,”
is seriously the worst thing you can do for someone who struggles with anxiety
and depression. Just because you don’t know how to react to someone when they
tell you this doesn’t mean you get to ignore the problem. Ask how you can help.
Pray for guidance. Don’t be afraid of someone who struggles with this. The fact
that they told you about it means that they want help and they know that they
need it. So be there for them. Pray for them constantly. Because God is truly
the only person that can completely mend our brokenness.
The
main reason I am writing this now and not a year from now or when all this is over,
is because I am still going through it. Granted, it is nowhere near as bad as
it was this summer, but it is still not good. You always hear stories of
depression and anxiety after someone has gone through it, not during.
Once
again, this post isn’t to get a sympathy comment. It isn’t to show you how I’ve
managed all of this. It is to show you what God has done, is doing, and is
going to do in my life. It is to raise awareness about how we, as Christians,
handle when people struggle with this. It is to tell someone who is going
through this that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a God who
wants to lead you to that light. It is to tell you that there is a Savior who
has died to show you that light. If you are going through this, or have gone
through this, talk about it for Pete’s sake. Because keeping quiet doesn’t do
any good. I can’t tell you how many people I talked to about this that say they
have gone through the same thing or know so many people who have. Raising awareness
about it only can help.
Thanks for reading!
Meghan
