I wrote a post over two years ago detailing my battle with depression and anxiety. I'm hesitating writing this for all the reasons I should write this. This list includes but is not limited to:
1. It won't be perfect.
2. What if I say something wrong?
3. Do I really want people to know about this?
4. BUT I'M IN SEMINARY!
I went off my anti-anxiety medications in October of 2014-the same month I visited Southwestern. Life wasn't cupcakes and butterflies-it was actually filled with two stomach bugs, a sinus infection, and bronchitis (I was very sickly). But life was pretty good. I stopped going to counseling because we didn't have anything to discuss. I was good. My relationship with God was good.
But then, in January, my world came crashing down...again. I won't give too many details, just really to say that it was like the first time I went through this but harder. I spent time in prayer and ended up back on my medication. It was hard.
When you go through a season of depression and anxiety once, it's hard. Earth-shattering, heart-wrenching kind of hard. When you go through it a second time, it's harder. I thought that I had already put in my time with this battle, that this fight was already won. Yet, God allowed me to struggle with this once again. I was angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused. But most of all, I was exhausted. I began counseling again, and devised a 4-step plan to deal with my "episodes." This plan was
1. Accept that you are having an episode.
2. Remember you aren't the only person who has ever felt this way.
3. Say something you're thankful for in this very moment.
4. Identify what triggered this episode.
I went through this plan 2-3+ times a day. I was preparing to go to seminary when I could barely drag myself out of bed. How could I be in seminary if I had gone through this twice?
But God was faithful. He was busy doing something that I'm still not even sure what it was. He still is doing something. The verse that helped me in this period was Philippians 1:6- "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." I know in my last post I said that throwing verses at a depressed person might not be the best solution. It still probably isn't. Yes, scripture helps. But a verse without a person there to comfort and a verse without Christ isn't going to do a whole lot of good. But y'all, I clung to that verse like I was on the Titanic and it was the only life jacket left. God had brought me through the first time, He would bring me through the second. God was faithful in bringing me to Carson-Newman and paying for it, He would be faithful in getting me to seminary-depressed or not. Why do I continue to doubt my Lord when He proves himself over and over again? Because I'm human.
What was different about this time around was that I knew how to handle it. And that made it more difficult. I knew how to prevent panic attacks. So I would do my breathing exercises, think positive thoughts, go through my 4-step plan, and find a friend to sit with. But those things don't cure anxiety and depression. Do you know what does? God. (I am not saying that doing breathing exercises doesn't help-it does, and I sure know it).
I desired for these "medicines" to cure me, including my anti-anxiety medication, but they can only help. None of these things are inherently wrong. Trust me, God and I have had a lot of conversations on if I actually need to be on my medication. For now, I do. But He constantly reminds me to never put a earthly solution in front of a Godly cure. He gives us these coping mechanisms to help us. He gives us counselors, medications, breathing plans, 4-step plans, to help get us through the situation. But as soon as we substitute these things in the place of Christ, our lives begin to fall apart.
I slowly, but surely, got better all in God's timing. He's reminded me of who He created me to be: a cupcake making, crafting, dancing, spastic, crazy, overly-emotional, awkward human being who sometimes starts to skip in Target and does the macarena when things get really awkward. I love life. I do what I love and I don't understand why God has blessed me by giving me two jobs that I absolutely have fallen in love with. God reminds me even as I'm sitting here writing this, that I was created by Him and everything He has made me to be has a purpose. My depression and anxiety will be used to glorify Him. My crafting will be used to glorify Him. I'm not entirely sure how my skipping around in Target will be used to glorify Him, but I have learned to never underestimate God.
So yes, I was depressed twice. Yes, God pulled me out of it twice. Yes, He might allow it to happen again and He will continue to guide me through it. While I continue to doubt Him, He continues to pursue me. And that my friends, is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
