Life, Recently

“I’m fixing to start my senior year of college in the fall. Didn’t I just graduate high school? This can’t be real.”

This is the phrase I keep telling myself over and over again in my head. “This can’t be real” is a feeling I can’t seem to shake. Yet, it is real. At least I hope it is, and I don’t wake up in some crazy inception/matrix like fashion and have some weird reality thrown at me. I’m a twenty-one year old ADULT (I still can’t get over that), and the only things I legally can’t do are run for president and (affordably) rent a car. I’m old enough to be married, start a family, buy a house, take out loans, pay bills, and all the other “big girl” things that I’ve always said will happen when I “grow up.” But reality tends to set in rather quickly.

I most likely intend on going to Seminary after graduation (the destination is up in the air, though I have a few places I’m leaning towards), and I almost hyperventilate when I think about having to FIND AN APARTMENT and LIVE ON MY OWN. Don’t even get me started on paying bills or finding a job. Granted, I’m very capable of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and other “household” chores. When you have three siblings and working parents, you learn how to do these things. But, I feel unprepared for other things of the real world. My mom mentioned something about an “equity line” today and all I could think about was if I was supposed to know what that was. I don’t even know what to do with a W-2 when I get one and all the technical terms for anything involving money make me a little dizzy just thinking about them.

Yet, I’m at peace. How is it possible that I am, on paper, completely unprepared to survive in the real world-a place supposedly high school and college were preparing me for- and still feel completely safe and not worried. When I keep my eyes on the Father, it’s so easy to breathe easily and not worry about the future. A few days ago, as my family-minus 2- sat down for dinner, I was feeling completely irritated, annoyed, and angry. I didn’t want anyone to talk to me, and frankly wanted to go into my room and have a good “woe is me” cry. You know the kind-especially all my female friends out there. The one where you sit in bed, possibly turn on your Norah Jones or classic 90’s boy-band break up music and sob, wishing someone would take pity on you and buy you a pint of ice cream (Ben and Jerry’s Cake Batter, please, if anyone’s wondering). My family bowed our heads to say grace, and immediately all my worries, doubts, frustrations, and annoyances disappeared. How can that be? How can saying “Hey, thanks for this food, God,” immediately calm me? I was focusing on something other than myself for that split second. I said, “hey, let me get over my frustrations and MYSELF, and focus on the One constant in my life.” No matter how crazy, annoying, scary, or frustrating the future or even present may be, focusing on the Lord has such a calming thing to it.

Back in February, at DNOW, I was telling my sixth grade girls that in order to refuse to let sin defeat us, we must focus on something greater than ourselves. When we look at sin, it really is like a delicious, Krispy Kreme doughnut hot off the conveyer belt of deliciousness. We can tell ourselves- hey don’t eat that, it’s not good for you, you’re going to regret it, but if we constantly stare at it, it is going to be almost impossible not to give in. But, if we turned around and saw a HUGE, never-ending pile of Chick-fil-A (that was non-caloric and non-fattening, of course), we wouldn’t think twice about the Krispy Kreme. The same goes with sin. It is so hard to have “woe is me” sessions and be engaged in complete sin when our eyes are on the Savior of our souls. The one who is infinitely better than anything my brain could even fathom desires to have a relationship with me! Me! The one who sometimes chooses to DIRECTLY ignore his calling on my life and He still died for me! I don’t know about you, but if someone just straight up ignored me and slapped me in the face all the time, I’d have a hard time dying for them. So why do I sin? Why do I just say “no, God, not today,” all the time? But I think the better question is why God says, “Despite your sin, I still love you. Despite your sin, I still choose to bless you. Despite your sin, I died for you.”

So this is life, recently: my utter shock that I’m old enough to do things that have always been a quite distant thought, and the realization that the only thing that matters is Christ. I’m completely lost without Him, and frankly don’t want to even think about life without Him.